Holy shit. These assholes are all fucked up!

That was my reaction to the trailer for "Grown Ups". Here's why.

I hate Adam Sandler. Not because he's Jewish. Because he's annoying and obnoxious. And he is incapable of talking in a normal tone of voice. He always speaks stupid baby talk, or he screams uncontrollably. And he thinks that's funny. Guess what. IT ISN'T!!!!

I hate Kevin James. He's fat and he's stupid. Just what the late Anne "Momma" Ramsey said about Danny "Owen" DeVito in the excellent 1987 comedy "Throw Momma From The Train". I LOVE that movie! Plus, it was done back before Billy Crystal became pompous and arrogant and totally convinced of his own superiority over the rest of Hollywood. Trust me, if you ever find out that he wrote, directed or produced a movie he's also starring in, it's bound to be complete crap. AVOID IT!!!!

I also hate Kevin James because he's been really fat for at least fifteen years on both TV and in movies, and hasn't done a goddamn thing about it! He's STILL fucking fat! Plus, he's not funny! And neither is his equally fat, equally stupid brother Gary Valentine. This no-talent shlub would never get any work if it wasn't for Kevin, who for some reason is a big star and throws his weight around to get his brother work!

Moving on. I hate Rob Schneider. Not because he's Jewish, but because he had the audicity to pick a fight he could not possibly win. After his "Deuce Bigalow" movies came out, a film critic commented that there was no such thing as an acting award that would go to "the most unfunny consecutive penis jokes delivered by a third-rate comedian" and that stuck in little Robbie's craw, you see. He wrote a scathing reply in a full-page ad that not only had this critic never received any kind of recognition for his work (which was later proved to be false) he also threatened that if this critic would ever meet him or his friends, he would probably "be beaten beyond recognition". Well, if that don't beat all, so to speak. Anyway, Roger Ebert would review the "Male Gigalo" flick and proceed to completely tear Schneider a new asshole over the fact that he had been so brazen to confront a critic on his opinions, and bluntly informed him that "quite frankly, your movie sucks." Which Ebert would then use for the title of his second book of reviews of movies he gave two stars or less to.

I also hate Schneider because he would never get a single acting job if it wasn't for Sandler, he is basically Sandler's "pet", in a way. Tell me: when is the last time you saw Schnieder in a movie that wasn't a "Happy Madison Production"? Exactly my point. And the same goes for David Spade, I might as well put him in here as well. Don't get me wrong, he *used* to be funny. I especially liked his "Take The Hit" comedy performance from 1998. But everything since then ("Joe Dirt" & "Dickie Roberts", for example) has been absolute drivel! Plus, since he grew his hair long and started sporting a scraggly beard, it makes him look like a sleazy drug-addicted drifter! How he ever managed to seduce a woman half his age is totally beyond me. And he's a father to boot! And like Schneider, he only gets movie roles these days 'cause of Sandler.

I wonder what kind of arrangement Rob and Dave have with Adam. They must be like his bitches or something, having to do everything at his beck and call, and cater to his every whim. Not THAT kind of whim, you perverts! Sandler maybe extremely unfunny and possibly legally retarded, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't swing THAT way!

Last, we come to Chris Rock. Now, I view him a bit differently than the others, not because he's black, but because he is a self-made comedian and multi-millionaire who NEVER needed Sandler's help to get an acting job. I have to say it, Rock is actually *funny*. His comedy albums and cable specials, his late-night talk show, and his "Rock This!" book have proven to me that he is definetly a true talented entertainer. However, I do have to take some points away from him for refusing to stop cursing so that the legendary Bill Cosby would agree to guest on his '90's late-night HBO show. Cosby apparently refused to appear because of Rock's constant use of strong language. That was pretty sad, I thought, I would have loved to have seen the two converse, as Rock not only lists the late Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy as influences on him, but Cosby as well.

On a side note, in 1987 when Murphy was doing his "Raw" concert special, he spoke of Cosby calling him and "chastizing him for being too dirty". Murphy then explained that he then called Pryor up and told him what Cosby had said about him. And then Pryor told him to keep on doing what he was doing, cause he was making people laugh *and* making a lot of money at the same time. Oh well, I suppose that's one way of looking at it!

So, needless to say, I will NOT be going to see this movie, I would rather watch "Bill Cosby Himself", "Eddie Murphy Raw" or even my "Bill Cosby: 49" VHS, as that special from 1987 has not yet been released on DVD. And it's still better than anything the cast of Grown Ups has done!

BTW, one comedian who seems to have dropped off the face of the Earth is Martin Lawrence. He was pretty active in movies, on TV and comedy in the '90's, but since then his many personal problems derailed his once promising career. Apparently he never had any kind of connection to the above mentioned comedians, I guess he just wasn't in their league!

Well, that's it for now. Until next time, this is A. R., and sometimes, ya just gotta let it all out!